Chapter 24: Akfek is a Terrible Thing to Waste... ------------------------------------------------- "But Akfek..." Garland said, as he appeared in the banquet hall's door way. "A rind... is a terrible thing to waste!" Making a splendid gesture with his newly-cleaned purple cape, he sauntered down the stairs, and took a seat next to his beloved Sascha. Akfek's countenance darkened quite noticeably. "Well..." Sascha said, trying to create a friendly atmosphere around the table. "This is quite a special occasion. We have all of us together for dinner in our glorious fortress. This sort of thing doesn't happen every day, you know." "Yes," Mason said aloud. He turned his attention toward Seyla, who was looking quite gorgeous. "And it's great to have such a wonderful guest..." Kromm spoke up next: "Hey, can you pass the Chocobo breast?" Akfek wasn't sure if the recent rhyme was an accident, or if someone was being clever. He chose to ignore it. Garland was looking over the feast with awe. "Wow... this is great!" He proceeded to take some of the baked and broiled goods onto his plate. "We never had this kinda treatment back at the Returner base. They fed us rations, basically..." Akfek winced at the mention of the Returners. 'I must not let him get to me...' he thought. 'I shall overcome...' Changing the subject, he spoke. "So tell me, Garland... from where do you come, originally?" "Coneria," Garland replied through a mouthful of potatoes. Everyone else at the table looked baffled. "Coneria?" Kromm asked. "Never heard of it..." "Me neither," Mason added. "Not a word of it." Akfek looked slightly perturbed. "Tell us about it," Sascha inquired, intrigued by her loved one. "Well, I'm not surprised that you haven't heard of it," Garland said frankly. "It was ten thousand years ago..." Everyone was completely taken aback. "Ten thousand years?" Seyla asked, amazed. "Impossible!" Akfek said haughtily. "How do you explain your existence now, if that's the case?" "Time travel," Garland replied, as if it were obvious. "After all, Akfek, Time... is a terrible thing to waste..." Akfek had a look of impatience on his face. Lieutenant Thomas Oliver took this as the perfect opportunity to change the subject. "M'lady, I took the liberty of employing some entertainment for this feast!" He looked from face to blinking face, his eyes finally resting on those of Lieutenant Hart. "I think you'll be pleased..." He clapped his hands, and a man with a painted white face came bounding out, and began his silent performance. Everyone just stared at the performer, mostly in confusion. Seyla gawked, Mason groaned, and Kromm groaned in a way that seemed to rhyme with Mason's. In any case, nobody was impressed. Finally, Akfek spoke out. "Get him out of here! His pantomime is horrible!" "But Akfek!" Garland protested. "A mime... is a terrible thing to waste." Lieutenant Hart tried to stifle a giggle. Sascha saw from Akfek's facial expression that this banquet was going downhill... way down. "Akfek..." she began. He looked at her directly, and seemed to calm down a bit. Akfek decided it was his turn to speak up again. "So, Rokeg..." Rokeg was surprised to hear Akfek address him by his first name. "Tell us about your latest invention." Rokegg looked up, mouth stuffed with various foods, including potatoes, gravy, curry, and peach pie. "Uh..." he began, blinking. He glanced at Mason, who looked confused, then continued. "It's... neat." Garland raised an eyebrow. Kromm was quite an intriguing person, when you paid close attention. "Neat, huh?" he said, nodding. "Can you expand on that?" Kromm looked blankly at Garland. "It's... it's neat, Garland..." Akfek groaned in response, and Sascha winced. Thomas Oliver merely chewed. Seyla stared at Akfek. Mason had to look away to keep from laughing. Kim was confused. Garland blinked. "Really neat..." Kromm added, trying to save face. "It's actually five different units. They're kind of bio-metal warriors. It's just a little something I've been messing around with..." he trailed off into a humbled whisper. Akfek perked up a bit. "Now we're getting somewhere!" he thought aloud. He was about to pry further on the invention, when he took a good look at another citrus fruit on his plate. "Hmmm... This green fruit doesn't go with my stomach very well..." He moved to the trash can to do away with the offending item. "But Akfek!" Garland reasoned. "A lime... is a terrible thing to waste." Akfek glared back, now very annoyed. "Oh, Garland!" Sascha said cheerfully, aiming to gain support for her beloved. "You're such a card!" Rokeg spoke up on the subject. "I imagine for him, it's easy!" Mason disagreed. "But all his jokes are cheesy!" The two lieutenants present laughed quietly, as did Seyla, until she realized that Akfek wasn't. The Emperor had a dark expression on his face. "Is such silliness really necessary?" he asked with contempt. "Silliness?" Garland asked, confused. He looked to Sascha for clarification. She decided it would be better not to have an opinion. "I don't know what you're talking about..." Kromm said through another huge mouthful. "But if you keep eating like that, you're sure to get stout!" Mason warned his friend. Just for emphasis, he placed a whole baked potato in his mouth, and chewed. "Well," Seyla began, attempting to break the rapidly freezing ice. "It sure is nice to be eating like together like this." She looked from one face to another. "We're almost like family!" Kromm and Mason tried not to laugh. Baked potato almost came out of Mason's nose. "Yes..." Akfek began, staring into her eyes. "We almost... are like family..." "Yes..." Kimberly added, staring into Tommy's eyes dreamily. "...Almost..." "Yes..." Garland agreed, staring into Sascha's eyes dreamily. "...We..." "Yeah..." Mason mocked, looking doubtfully at Kromm. "...Are..?" Kromm could hardly contain himself. Akfek snapped out of his emotional trance, and turned his attention back to the banquet. Looking at an untouched bottle of Beaujolais in the center of the table, he began speaking. "If nobody's going to drink that, we might as well throw it away." "Akfek, no!" Garland shouted. "Wine... is a terrible thing to waste!" He took the bottle, and poured himself and Sascha a glass. "We'll drink it." Sascha grinned sheepishly. "Wow..." Seyla said dreamily. "How romantic..." Her gaze shifted towards Akfek. "Any for you, Mason?" Garland offered, in a way that seemed like a challenge. "No, thank you," Mason said coldly. "I prefer to stay sober." "Anybuggy Murfle Gober?" uttered Rokeg, through a mouthful of everything. Nobody quite understood what he had said, so he was largely ignored. Once again, trying to strike up conversation, Tommy stood up. "So, M'lord and Lady, what have you decided we should do with all the non-working bombs in our arsenal?" "Throw them away, of course," Akfek said reasonably. "We have no need for duds." "Be that as it may, Akfek..." Garland began. "Keep in mind that a mine... is a terrible thing to waste. You may need them later." He waved his fork for emphasis. Akfek attempted to ignore it, and was about to continue eating, when he noticed his fork had dirt on it. "Hey! This is filthy!" he exclaimed. "Just wipe it on the tablecloth," Garland suggested. Sascha steeled herself for Akfek's inevitable reaction. "I HAVEN'T HEARD SOMETHING SO VULGAR IN MONTHS!" Akfek shouted indignantly, and ironically. "THAT'S DISGUSTING! I want it WASHED!" "But Akfek," Garland argued. "Grime... is a terrible thing to waste." Akfek dropped his utensils in utter amazement. "You... are a disgusting little urchin!" "Akfek!" Sascha said in defense of her love. "How dare you!" Garland's countenance darkened noticeably. "I am NOT... an urchin." His face twitched slightly. "I am a knight... and an alchemist, and a martial-arts gambler, and a grappler, and a performer, and a knife-thrower, and a hypnotist, black-belt, Runic Knight..." he rose in anger. "...Returner, treasure hunter, lock picker, cliff hanger, sheriff, politician, and an ARCH-FIEND!" Akfek leaned back in his chair, completely unintimidated. "That's quite an impressive resume. Perhaps you could train a few soldiers for us?" he finished with a grin. Sascha's face brightened, and she added. "He saved my life too, Akfek!" Garland smiled down at her with love in his eyes. "Really?" Akfek rose, genuinely impressed. "You and I may work well together after all. What do you say?" Everyone was silent for a moment. Garland thought hard about the offer. It would be so easy to just be evil again. It would be safer, too... But the, there was Setzer, and Tucker, and the fiends... All the good friends he had made by being good, or at least by not being bad. This was quite an opportunity. "I... I don't know," he finally said, sitting back down. "I'll think about it." 'A lot...' he thought to himself. "Seems perhaps your past crimes with the Returners could be forgotten, if you'd just join us..." Akfek coaxed. There was an air of deceit in his words, undetected by the others. "Well, yes, Akfek," Garland replied. "But crime... is a terrible thing to waste." Akfek shuddered, and his mood reverted to it's previous state. "Stop saying that!" Akfek snapped. He was getting quite angry, and now was no time for games. "But..." Garland protested. "A line... is a terrible thing to waste." He tried to look innocent. Akfek just couldn't take it anymore. "You're driving me out of my mind!" he winced, and steeled himself for the inevitable. "...What?" Garland inquired. He couldn't see any reason to be so mad. "Uh-oh, Garland, You're goin' down!" Mason warned. Kromm looked down at the floor by his seat. "Hey Mason, look what I found!" "...AND NO MORE RHYMING!" Akfek shouted. Everyone but Mason and Kromm winced. "But, Akfek," Garland tried to reason with him, as Mason and Kromm discussed their recent find. "A rhyme... is a terrible thing to waste!" Akfek growled in fury, then screamed, "NO MORE SILLINESS, AND I MEAN IT!" Mason and Kromm held up their new-found treasure as an offer to the rest. "Anybody want a peanut?"